


Freakazoid! drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: Freakazoid (Cartoon)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-08 19:43:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13465227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Published 23-Jan-2018; humor; 100 words.For the31_days"drowned the infinite of his soul" prompt (posted to AO3 only).





	1. When The Chips Are Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Jan-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[drowned the infinite of his soul](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3331131.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

"Hey Freakazoid," said Cosgrove. "Yer a computer guy. Did ya hear about the recently disclosed [Meltdown](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meltdown_\(security_vulnerability\)) and [Spectre](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spectre_\(security_vulnerability\)) vulnerabilities that exist in almost all modern processors?"

"I sure did," Freakazoid said. "Wouldn't it just be wacky-zany if those vulnerabilities sucked some shmuck online and downloaded the ENTIRE INTERNET into his [BRAIN](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freakazoid!#Background)!? HA HA HA! HA! HA HA HA HA! HA! HA HA HA HA HA! Ha... ha ha... ha... * _sigh_ *"

"Heh... that's funny," Cosgrove said. "So, ya wanna go get some [_palak paneer_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palak_paneer)?"

"DO I!?" Freakazoid cried. "...no, seriously, do I? I don't want my tummy to get all 'urpy'."


	2. Freak Out Of This World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Mar-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the world is getting weirder](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3333751.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

The Lobe had placed Freakazoid in [an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xAMYHJYesM&t=1m18s).

"You know," Freakazoid said, "you don't HAVE to kill me to conquer the world."

"Perhaps," the Lobe said, "but I'd prefer a world that doesn't have YOU in it!"

"Good point," Freakazoid admitted. "*I* wouldn't want a world with me in it."

"A world that's FULL of POO GAS would be preferable to yours!" the Lobe said.

"POO GAS!? EWW!!" Freakazoid cried.

"So, about your overly elaborate and exotic death?" the Lobe asked hopefully.

"Easily escapable," Freakazoid declared.

"Nut bunnies," said the Lobe.


	3. The Right To Bear Claws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Apr-2018; humor/parody; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the return of donuts-bear](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3336873.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Albuquerque](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooI3u4uzEss)" by "Weird Al" Yankovic.
> 
> This contains starving crazed weasels. Reader discretion is advised.

"Hey Freakazoid," said Cosgrove. "Want some breakfast?" He held out a closed donut-shop box.

"DO I!?" Freakazoid cried. "Do you have any glazed donuts?"

"No," Cosgrove said, "they were out of glazed donuts."

"Got any jelly donuts?"

"No."

"Got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

"No."

"Got any cinnamon rolls?"

"No."

"Got any apple fritters?"

"No."

"Got any bear claws?"

Cosgrove paused briefly to check inside the box. "...no."

"What DO you have?"

"One dozen starving crazed weazels."

"OK, I'll take that... AAUGH!! GETEMOFFME!! GETEMOFFME!! AAUGH!! GETEMOFF!! GETEMOFF!! AAUGH!! AAUGH!!"

"Hey, you've got weasels on your face," Cosgrove said. "[Cut it out.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_i9Fa2UrDAk&t=0m1s)"


	4. Just Rubber Ducky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-May-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I heard voices](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3337647.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains anachronistic IT humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mrs. Douglas found Dexter in his room at his computer. "Is someone else in here?" she asked. "I heard voices."

Dexter, having just Freaked In, tried to cover for his alter ego. "I was, uh, [talking to my rubber duck](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging). It helps me to debug my computer programs."

"Does it also help to do Jerry Lewis impersonations?" Mrs. Douglas asked. "And I think I heard some Groucho Marx too."

Dexter smiled a painfully fake smile. "I, uh, like to mix things up a bit?"

"Oh sweetie," Mrs. Douglas said with her own painfully fake smile. "That's so very very SAD!"


	5. Has-Beens And Weenies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Jun-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[noon blues](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3338841.html)" prompt.

Dr. Mystico had invited Guitierrez to his island lair to work together on a plan to defeat Freakazoid.

"[I trust you're hungry?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWEnJSoPSoc&t=12s)" Dr. Mystico asked. "I didn't have time to make a casserole, but I have slow-cooker beans and weenies—"

"[DON'T SAY THE WEENIE WORD!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qftipUJtpYc)" Guitierrez cried.

"Duly noted," Dr. Mystico said nervously. "How about some chicken strips instead?"

"Is this a super-villain's island lair," Guitierrez asked, "or a high-school cafeteria!?"

"There's no need to get SNIPPY," Dr. Mystico sniffed.

"As you wish... WENDELL."

Dr. Mystico grinned maniacally, all thoughts of teamwork forgotten. "OH," he cried, "it's TIME to PLAY!!"


	6. Mentor Venter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Jul-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[a length of time to be still and think](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3286916.html)" prompt.
> 
> This probably takes place some time after "Two Against Freak."
> 
> This contains insufficient trousers. Reader discretion is advised.

MacStew had summoned Freakazoid to the park for another round of meditation and mind tricks.

"I appreciate your taking time to train me," Freakazoid said during a break, "as long I don't have to hit myself with a [brick](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob2vRJvuhpA) thirty-eight times."

"I'm pleased ta do it, lad," MacStew said. "And as a former employee of Apex, I bear some responsibility for what's happened ta you."

"Of course," Freakazoid added, "I'd ALSO appreciate it if you'd PUT ON SOME PANTS."

"FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME," MacStew yelled, "THIS. IS. A. KILT!!"

"You know what ELSE it is?" Freakazoid yelled. "IT'S NOT PANTS!!"


	7. Reality Bites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Aug-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[teeth shining and ravenous](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3305357.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains recent slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

"I met a homeless man today," Freakazoid said to Cosgrove. "[He hadn't had a bite in three days](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooI3u4uzEss&t=8m57s)."

"Let me guess," Cosgrove said. "You bit him?"

"Of course not!" Freakazoid said. "I took him to the homeless shelter for a hot meal."

"Oh," Cosgrove said. "Good work, kid."

"And then," Freakazoid added, "I got him a toothbrush, and I told him to brush his teeth."

"Why?" Cosgrove asked.

"He also asked me why. I told him that healthy teeth are important, and he asked me why again."

"And then?" Cosgrove asked expectantly.

"And THEN I bit him," Freakazoid said proudly.


	8. A World Of Indifference

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Sep-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[Everything right is wrong again](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3315984.html)" prompt.
> 
> The Lobe and [the Brain](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinky_and_the_Brain) might be similar in several ways.

"Is somethin' buggin' ya, boss?" Medulla asked the Lobe.

"Crime and unemployment are at record lows," the Lobe said sadly, "and satisfaction with elected officials is at record highs."

"Dat's unusual, but wat's wrong wit' it?" Oblongata asked.

"Do you know why I'm an evil super-genius?" the Lobe asked.

"Money?" Medulla said.

"Women?" Oblongata said.

"Yes and yes," the Lobe said, "but I also wanted to conquer the world in order to make it a better place. If the citizens are content, I'm wasting my time."

"Dere's still da money and women," Medulla said encouragingly.

"That's true," the Lobe agreed.


	9. Ixnay On The Hombre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Oct-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[Okay, I'm drawing a line in the f***ing sand here. Do not read the Latin!](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3325876.html)" prompt.

Freakazoid and MacStew had been captured by Guitierrez. They were were not-so-secretly discussing a cunning escape plan during a lull in Guitierrez' requisite villainous gloating.

"I'll istract-day the eenie-way," Freakazoid whispered to MacStew, "and then we'll am-scray."

"Perchance are you talking about me?" Guitierrez inquired with a malevolent smile.

"Nope!" Freakazoid said nervously. "Just talking about the weather! Ha! Ha ha! Ha!"

"Mmm," Guitierrez said. "The juniper pollen count is MOST unfortunately excessive."

"That was a ose-clay ave-shay," Freakazoid said to MacStew.

"Dinnae fash yersel'," MacStew replied. "But I wouldnae say nowt tae daht bastart."

"...[you lost me](https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/909220-jam-it-in-you-lost-me)," Freakazoid said.


	10. You Wanna Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Nov-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[Pray tell me that I'm free to ride](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3334521.html)" prompt.

Freakazoid was WHOOSHing down the street when Cosgrove pulled up in his police car.

"Hey Freakazoid," said Cosgrove. "You wanna go to the [National Lentil Festival](https://www.lentilfest.com/)?"

"DO I!?" Freakazoid cried eagerly as he opened the passenger door.

"Take it easy, kid," Cosgrove said. "The festival is next August."

"Oh," Freakazoid said. "Why did you ask so far ahead of time?"

"I wanted to check your calendar," Cosgrove said. "I know you're a busy freak."

"You are one thoughtful chunky-monkey-cookie," Freakazoid said.

"[Cut it out,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_i9Fa2UrDAk&t=0m1s)" Cosgrove said.

"Gimme a HUG, ya big lug!!" Freakazoid said.

"I have a gun," Cosgrove noted.


	11. Good Cop, Bad Freak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Dec-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[I do not know that which should not be](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3351159.html)" prompt.

Cosgrove and Freakazoid were questioning the Lobe. "Tell us everything you know about the break-in at the muffler shop," Cosgrove said patiently.

"I know nothing, Sergeant," the Lobe said defiantly.

"I didn't want to do this," Cosgrove said solemnly. "Freakazoid? He's all yours."

The Lobe recoiled as Freakazoid walked up and glared at him. But then, Freakazoid danced in place and made silly noises. "BOOGIE BOOGIE!!"

"How is THAT supposed to make a suspect talk?" the Lobe asked incredulously.

"Beats me," Cosgrove said. "Like I said, I didn't wanna do it."

"Well, *I* wanted to do it," Freakazoid said sadly.


	12. The Cathedral And The Bizarre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Jan-2019; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[you are a phantom in that far-off city where daylight climbs cathedral walls](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3363725.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also _[The Cathedral And The Bazaar](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Cathedral_and_the_Bazaar)_.
> 
> This contains off-screen slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Freakazoid, Cosgrove, and MacStew had tracked down the super-villain of the week to a huge underground lair.

"Which way should we go?" Cosgrove asked.

As if on cue, they heard the first notes of Bach's _[Toccata And Fugue In D-Minor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho9rZjlsyYY)_.

"Just a wild guess," Freakazoid said, "but over there by that pipe organ might be good. Back in a jiff!"

"Think he can handle the bad guy by himself?" Cosgrove asked MacStew.

And then, the organ music was cut short with the cacophonous sound of a body landing on half of the keyboard at once.

"He's got this," MacStew opined.


	13. In Case With Broken Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 14-Feb-2019; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[broken glass](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3380007.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence and gratuitous recursion. Reader discretion is advised.

The Lobe had cornered Freakazoid in a corner of his lair. "Surrender or be destroyed," the Lobe demanded, "so that I can destroy you anyway!"

Freakazoid looked to both sides for a weapon— and saw a red case with a glass front, a small hammer, and a sign reading "IN CASE OF SUPER-VILLAIN BREAK GLASS." "Ooh, that's handy," he said.

The Lobe brain-palmed. "WHY did I put THAT in here!?" he asked himself.

"A super-villain's lair is a good place for it," Freakazoid said as he broke the glass with the hammer. "Hey, wait a moment! This case is empty!"

"HA HA!!" the Lobe gloated. "What are you going to do now!?"

Freakazoid hit him with the hammer. "OUCH!!" the Lobe cried. "GIVE ME THAT!!... So, what are you doing to do NOW!? There's no more cases!!"

"Well, there is THIS." Freakazoid broke the glass of a second case labeled "IN CASE OF NO CASE BREAK GLASS," tossed its hammer aside, reached into it and took out a third case and hammer, broke the third glass, and then hit the Lobe with the third hammer.

"My brain hurts," the Lobe said sadly, "and not merely because you keep hitting it."


End file.
